Sunday, December 2, 2012

Some Realizations

As I sat last night in contemplating my situation, I came to some realizations and decisions.

The realizations:

First the big one, yes I am still upset with that individual from past.  But, as has been pointed out to me, I am only punishing myself allowing myself to hate him.  I am not a hateful nor a negative person, and allowing these emotion so much control over my, I am allowing him to still exercise control over my life… something I think he would take great pleasure in knowing.  I am better than that, and I know IT!

Second, I had never realized the abandonment issues I have been suppressing since my Mother’s attempt to take her life, or the resentment I was experiencing toward her for making me the one responsible for her survival.  This was further exacerbated when I was later sent to a psychologist as a trouble youth, and this piece of information was to my knowledge never exposed.  I think it might have helped.  One thing I have learned over time, you can’t fix a problem if you don’t know the cause, and probably one of the foundations of my mistrust of ‘counselors’.

Third, I have allowed these phantom controls to lead me down a path which has jeopardized the future of me, my wife, and my daughters.  In all this, my find that in truth I am most pissed at myself for allowing it happen, and the externalized and internal hatred of myself for allowing it to happen.

Fourth, as I have always known, and have been hiding from for months, I am responsible for my actions, good or bad.  No matter who I might like to blame for my predicament, it’s on me.

Fifth, as I have attempted to find distractions from all this internal emotion, I have discovered that my existence has brought to a place of emotional empathy for my fellow humans.  When I witness someone else’s in happiness, it gives me happiness.  Conversely, everyone else’s pain causes me pain.  Pick an emotion, I feel with you.  I think I always knew this, but, until my strengths were zapped to such a low level, I didn’t see the emotional toll it could take on me.

Finally and most importantly, I have never in my life, before this, been able to share this much of my private feelings with anyone for fear that it would chase people away, or be exploited.  I am so lucky and blessed (no religious affiliation) to have my friends and family.  You have all been so very supportive of me as I go through this period. 

The actions:

I am still not completely out of this funk.  The knot in my gut is still there, but, I am taking actions to move forward. 

One, I know that there others who are worse off and more in need then I am, but, in order to recoup my strength, I am going to going to allow myself to concentrate on as much of the positive as I can find, and not the negative, until I am better able to deal with those feelings.  As I am still not a religious person, I will just say:

Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

The only thing I can change at the moment… is me.

Two, I cannot concentrate on rebuilding myself and concentrate on building a consulting business which has languished for some time know as has little prospect, at the moment of providing financial support my family needs and deserves.  Effective immediately, IBL is suspending operations.  I started yesterday into a full on job search, and have already sent out a few inquiries.  If you know of anyone needing a slightly used IT generalist, a profile of my skillset is on LinkedIN.

Three, I have realized that the creativity soul will find an outlet, even a negative one if none other exists.  Where I thought that creativity in me had been destroyed all the years ago, I find that not to be the case.  It’s been there all along, below the surface, violently fight for it own survival.  I look to discover way to allow it to live and flourish.

Finally, I will strive to stop trying to be a superman.  I will graciously accept the love and positive thoughts of my family and friend, to become my anchor when I am adrift.

I love you all, and truly cherish your being in my life.

Walt

 

 

 

Friday, November 30, 2012

Exercising the Demons, AGAIN

Or maybe better put; exercising my demons.  I have never before been one to share my personal life and emotions.  The thought of that kind of vulnerability, and the trust needed to personally expose myself, has always created far more fear than those shadowy demons in my psyche.  Recent experiences seem to lead me to a need to face this fear.  So…

  • A young artist, with some promise, discouraged and stifled at every stroke of the brush.
  • A young writer and poet, again with some promise, discouraged and stifled at every stroke of the pen.
  • A young musician, with some promise, discouraged and stifled at every beat of the drum.
  • A young student, of better than average intelligence, discouraged and stifled at every less than perfect grade.
  • A young boy, seeking his father’s approval, never being quite good enough and never understanding why…
  • A young creative mind damaged, conceivably beyond repair.
  • All of this given up, and suppressed for years, and long thought destroyed.

We are all a product of our past, some prefer to be victims of their past.  I long ago understood that I am a product of my past, but, I have tried hard to not be a victim of it.  I, to this day, still find myself struggling with the demons of my past, even though I thought I had already resolved and chased those monsters away, only to find them creeping back into my consciousness once again.  I have acknowledged - so I thought… accepted - so I thought… and forgiven - so I thought.  All this I’ve been told would help me come to grips with my past and move on, guess what?!?... That’s bullshit!  Because, here I am still dealing with the memories, the bitterness, and the emotional void of the things I experienced in my youth, that is still haunting me to this day.  Shortly after I turned 18, I was told that it was all on me now, that I alone was responsible for the direction my live took.  While true, everyone who tells you that it’s on you ‘now’ seems to forget, or fails to see that there are quite often indiscernible demons that come with you from your youth, only to emerge from the shadows of your psyche unplanned and unannounced.  Nor, are there many people capable of helping you slay those demons in they materialize.  All too often you don’t even realize or recognize them yourself until much later in life, and all too often don’t understand the impact they are having on your life.  That is, it appears, to be my condition.
 
 
I realized many years ago that a certain amount of introspection of one life is required, if you truly want to evolve in life.  It became, somewhat painfully, evident when my daughters began asking question about their lives, and I found myself wanting to spew vitriolic explanations on why life SUCKS, Deal with it!!!  Of course, I controlled that aspiration, and managed to find much more benign and instructive elucidations.  After all, will I didn’t really understand it, I did remember the missing encouragement of my youth.  But, the experience left me wondering why their questions evoked such primal emotions in me, and still does on occasion.  I was taught early on that we don’t share our feelings with others, because nobody really wants to hear it.  I have sarcastically quipped that too many people feel that it is their ‘god’ given right to create new lives, and then screw those new lives up in any manner they choose.  I know that this is not the intent of most parents, but, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, even if unintentional.  But when it is intentional, even if unconscious, well…
 
 
In my years of personal introspection, I have found that I, like I believe many people, react to life’s experiences rather unconsciously, without ever looking at causes of their responses, positive or negative.   Because, all denial aside, we are first and foremost habitual creatures, like most all others species on this planet, responding most often blinding to the stimuli of our environment.  I have recently realized that, while probably not uncommon, my story is somewhat unique and by many standards would have probably been considered a FUBAR long ago.  Yet I seem to be unable to give up.
 
 
From birth until about the age of 7, most would have consider my life, at least based on my knowledge then, to be an idyllic youth.  But, at the age of 8, it began an interesting mostly downward spiral, that I have spent years desperately trying to overcome.  I have never shared the following publicly, and something that even most of my closest friends do not know…  At the age of 8, my Mother decided she couldn’t take any more of what life was sending her, and decided to attempt suicide by drug overdose.  It was fortunately an unsuccessful attempt, but, only because of me, and the note she had left.  The note, at her bedside, was address to me, and only said, “Walt, call your Dad.”  I did as I was told and the next thing I knew, the air outside exploded with the sound of sirens.  I went to the front to see what all the commotion was about only to find police and firemen running up my sidewalk and into my mother’s room.  A short time later, my Dad arrived only to leave me in alone and scared.  The only encouragement I received that day was from one of the firemen telling me, “you are a lucky young man; she is probably going to be alright because of you.”  Though I’ve never admitted openly, and it wasn’t until I was in my late 20’s that I realized just how much I resented her for making me (an 8 year old child) responsible for her life.  I have learned in recent years some of the other things that may have contributed to her state of mind, and believe I have reconciled that resentment.  I have recently even been able to broach the subject with my Mother.
 

Now, for my Fathers, we have an entirely different view, and yes, I said Fathers.  Three years of grief and turmoil after the events at age 8, through inadvertently as a result of one of their now routine arguments – I say inadvertent because they seemed to forget I was downstairs during this particularly round of verbal sparring – I discover that the man I have been calling Dad for a decade now, wasn’t…  In three years I had become what was then considered a troubled and unruly child, and no one seemed to be able to figure out why.  Hell, I didn’t even understand it at the time.  So now we add a new wrinkle to that troubled and unruly child’s psyche – the discovery that your father isn’t your real father and that your real father doesn’t even care that you exist.  As I was told time and again, be happy you at least have a Dad that chose you.  As much as everyone hoped this little piece of info would sweep all my problems under the carpet, it barely worked and only sporadically.  That troubled and unruly little boy turned into an even more troubled and unruly teenager. By the age of 13, I was living with my Dad and evil stepmother, and believe me – Cinderella’s could have learned under this one.  It was now that the really pressure began, the results of which I opened this essay.

Later in life I came to the realization of what my father was doing…  Most in the immediate family have joked that my father is so tight, he could squeeze a penny and make Lincoln cry…  In his effort to make me feel inadequate, which he successfully accomplished, his discouragement saved him a bundle of money.  Recently, I’ve come to realize this man’s motivations ran so much deeper.  In order to hide his own inadequacies, my talents and aspirations, whatever they were, had to be sacrificed in order to build his up in his eyes.  Even though he made the choice to adopt he, he didn’t have too… it wasn’t a deal breaker when he married Mom, I wasn’t “really” his son.  So no real familial loyalty was due, right?  He even managed to remove Mom, who probably wanted to do more wasn’t in any position to offer any real help, by diligently avoiding his financial and other familial obligations.  Mom was left to struggle to make ends meet with three children.  Not that she would have at that time because most everyone had already written me off as a hopeless case.  I could and have made excuses for his actions, but, I’ve finally realized that, conscious or not, no matter what his professed motives, he was deliberately intent on transferring his feelings of inadequacy to me.  I just wasn’t good enough, and I’ve spent that better part of my life trying to prove to everyone, but mostly myself, that I am worth having around, only to seem to be thwarted with enough regularly to make one wonder.  So, I guess he was successful.  I’ve recently discovered that along with this self worth issue, my relationship with my father has created in me even deeper buried feelings of abandonment and betrayal.  Sad part, he doesn’t even know any of this, nor do I think he would care if he did know…  We haven’t talked in over 10 years.

Yeah, I can hear some thinking; “this is nothing but a personal pity party of a loser.”  Believe what you wish, but that’s not the case.  I have restarted and rebuilt my lifetime and time and again throughout my almost 60 years, only to find, just as things appear to be going well and I’m experiencing a degree of success, the carpet once again yanked from behind my feet.  I just can’t seem to catch that break.  It seems like about every 10 years since I was about 18, no matter what I was doing, events would occur that would just knock the pins out from under meet, and I wouldn’t have any idea why, so I just chalked it up to poor luck.  I could go into a litany of these events, but that really would serve any purpose.  So, I will just say that it that up until this last time, I haven’t understood why.  I have worked hard for the last 30 years trying to please those for whom I worked.  It would work for awhile and there was a certain level of appreciation and success, only to discover ultimately that I was expendable and had to move on, thus reinforcing that deep seeded and hidden self worth issues, along with the feelings of abandonment and lack of loyalty.  A self fulfilling prophecy, if you will.

While I have reconciled most of the feelings I have, I seem to be still left with my recently discovered deep feelings of inadequacies, abandonment, and the betrayal, along with an even deeper resentment and bitterness of the individual(s) who helped to create these demons.  I’ve always had problems with feelings of hate and try to find ways to move beyond it as quickly as possible.  My aversion to hatred is so deep that I get knots in my stomach when I experience it; image the knots that are there as I write this tome.   As with other things, I know, on an intellectual level that hatred is a destructive and often debilitating emotion, and I know why it is there now.  So, why at this moment can I just not seem to get beyond it?  I hate the man that raised me – I can’t even say the word father right now – so totally that I fear I may be consumed by that hatred even though I know what it is doing to me.  What scares me even more is the thought of what it might do to my wife and daughters, not that I would even consider harming them, but, these feeling have become so debilitating that I have become useless to them as a provider.  Yet another self fulfilling prophecy?
 
I’m just not sure what I have to do to catch a break?  I just exposed my flank in a Facebook status post… something even a few months ago would have been impossible for me, and I have received amazing support.  I guess it’s time to admit I’m not the rock everyone seems to think I am, but I really dislike the idea of being almost 60 and having to start all over yet again, and it scares the hell out of me.
 
Well, now you know…

All I really want right now…  If you are a parent or know a parent, please or let them know how easy it is to crush a child’s dreams…


Your comments or questions are always welcome, and I have added an email address for those not wishing to comment openly in this forum.  Emails can be sent to recoveringcathcon@gmail.com. However, please know that if this account is used to flood me with trash and hate mail, I will shut it down.

 

Thursday, September 20, 2012

October Surprise

I’d like to start this entry out with a little note of interest, well at least of interest to me.  I write to two blog right now with any regularity, this one and another of apparently much less controversy and concern to some.  I make that statement because of an interesting stat that has emerged from my blog statistic logs.  I use Facebook as a method to communicate new blog entries to those of my friends there that might be interested.  Whenever I post on Facebook that a new article is available on one of my blogs, I can see an almost immediate corresponding Facebook hit in my blog logs.  Okay, that does make sense, in this area of almost rampant IP (intellectual properties) violations which occur via the web, it seems appropriate that Facebook would want to check to make sure that these violation are not happening or being supported via its services.  However, over the last few months, Facebook has a “bot” trolling this blog on a regular (every couple of days) basis, regardless of when there was a last post, or a link posted to my Facebook profile.  Since I have had some experience with Facebook’s policies and method for shutting down content which they or a few of their users consider “unfriendly”, I am left to wonder if they or some users are seeking something that posted to this blog which they use to shut down my account on their site.  Time will tell, but, if I disappear from Facebook, you’ll be able to figure why.  ;)  Dear Facebook, hope you don’t find this too offensive.

Now on to the October Surprise…

While you can find prior examples, the term October Surprise began its political life during the 1972 Presidential election between Richard Nixon(R i) and George McGovern (D) as a result of the announcement from President Nixon’s administration of a possible end to hostilities in Vietnam in October 1972.  Since that time, there have been several events occurring in the last couple of months of the Presidential election cycle which held stay on the election.  I do not subscribe to the idea that there are many conspiracy theories that hold any real validity.  First, a secret know by more than one person is not a secret.  Second, the number of people required to pull off most covert agendas is so large, that keeping it quiet is almost impossible.  Individuals can and do successfully take covert actions singularly, but, a conspiracy by definition is a covert agenda conducted by a group of people.  And third and finally, it has been my experience that most people who have secrets want to share it with someone close, or at very least divulge that they possess a secret because of the imagined power and prestige that can come from knowing a secret, and sometimes it is simply a crisis of conscience that will cause someone to reveal his or her secrets.   I think history has demonstration quite well that in the realm of covert actions, if there was a conspiracy effort it will eventually be exposed.

So do we have an October surprise happening in this election cycle, or more accurately a September surprise?  Let’s look at what is happening around the world right now, with the recent outbreak of violent protest from the Muslim community over a film not just providing visual representations of the Prophet Mohammed (against the precept of Islamic doctrine), but doing so in a rather negative manner.  While I say Muslim community, one should not assume that I think it is the entire Muslim community involved, but rather that small radical or extremist element of that community.  This protest was ignited by video, produced here in the United States by a Coptic Christian Egyptian-American, called the “Innocence of Muslims.”  Not wanting to pass judgment based solely on the opinions of others, I watched the trailer for this video, and would not even be interested in seeing a full length feature.  As an Agnostic, who has studied the theologies of Judaism, Christianity, Islam, and a few others, I find the video – contrary to the opinions of several friends – to be extremely odious, and I understand how and why Muslims would find this production offensive as well.  Especially with the knowledge that the English language version post to YouTube in July was translated into Arabic and reposted to YouTube just a few weeks ago.  I neither condone nor support the violent protest that has occurred as a result, but, I do understand it.  I don’t think it unreasonable to assume that Mr. Bacile – one of 15 aliases for on Mr. Nakoula Basseley Nakoula – had any intend other than to deliberately inflame the Muslim community.  I support my assessment by the reaction of some Muslims to the printing of cartoons in Danish publications in the recent past.  I also think that Mr. Bacile is very aware of the strained relationship between the America and the Muslim community outside of the U.S., as one would have to have lived under a rock for the last decade not to know.

As these protests began to gain strength, the extremist element of the Muslim faith seized on the opportunity to exploit the situation with an attack on the Libyan consulate in Benghazi, which sadly resulting in the death of 4 Americans.  Then we have a GOP establish here in this country that see their opportunity to exploit.  Knowing that American over the last 30 years have generally held the misconception that the GOP was the stronger party when it comes to foreign policy and national defense, and that calling out Muslim terrorists as the main threat to our freedoms has been a mantra of the far right for more than a decade.  So it should be no surprise that the GOP, which really should be renamed the TPP, would jump on the issue to claim that this attack on the Libyan consulate is one more failing of President they want so desperately to replace in a few short weeks.  Bingo… You have an October/September surprise.  And it will probably extend into October, as we have others throwing additional fuel on the fire.

So is this surprise a conspiracy?  Not likely, other than being a conspiracy of coincidence or convenience.  Will it have the desired impact on our election?  Again, not likely, I think the die has been cast.  But, it will be interesting to see how the TPP tries to extend or expand these protested in their attempt to wrest control of the country from the current administration, as they have IMO reached a point of desperation, and may be on the verge of complete collapse.  My real fear is that we have extremists on both sides intend on starting a religious civil war.  That event would be a real tragedy.

 

Your comments or questions are always welcome, and I have added an email address for those not wishing to comment openly in this forum.  Emails can be sent to recoveringcathcon@gmail.com. However, please know that if this account is used to flood me with trash and hate mail, I will shut it down.


Monday, August 6, 2012

Free Speech and Tolerance, and Gay Marriage

Yet another stream of consciousness essay, inspired by current events and some frustration.  As humans we have come so far, and yet… we still have so far to go.
One of my wife’s Grandmother’s favorite idioms was, “They can’t shoot you for what you are thinking.”  Think about it for a moment, what the moral of that statement is telling us.

By now, everyone has heard about the angst, arguments, and diatribes brewing over the comment made by the CEO of Chick fil A – David Cathy – regard is his views of gay marriage.  I have even participated in a few discussions online, and it is very telling in my opinion.

Depending on whose feed you are reading, we have anything from a complete and total intolerance of Christian beliefs, to a constitutional violation of Mr. Cathy’s freedom of religious or speech rights, to an unconstitutional restraint of trade violation.

Before I start express my views, I’d like to relate a couple of stories:
When my own attitudes toward homosexuality began to moderate years ago, I was finally able to begin social relationships with members of the gay community.  Sitting with a gay acquaintance one day, I asked him why he chose to be gay?  His response was, “why do you choose to be heterosexual?” His reply stumped me, and began a period of personal introspection.  At the time, all I could say is that because I am, to which he replied, “Exactly!”

Seems in the time since this conversation I have learn, at least from the gay people that I know, and contrary to most Christian claims, homosexuality is no more a choice, than choosing to be heterosexual, male or female, or any of the other biological components that make us who we are, and in fact there is mounting evidence that homosexuality is biological.

The second story is much less pleasant.  A decade ago I developed a friendship with a gay couple, through one of my charitable endeavors.  This couple had been in a committed monogamous relationship for almost 20 years, even going so far as to have a palimony agreement drawn up.  At the age of 48, Bob suffered a massive stroke, and was hospitalized.  Before Frank was notified and could get to the hospital, Bob’s family left instructions that no one but family was to be allow in to visit.  This exiled Frank to the hallway outside of Bob’s room and the waiting room, unable to see his friend and partner of almost two decades.  Sitting in that hospital waiting every possible minute, hoping beyond hope that he might be allowed in, he told me that he only saw family members at the hospital twice.  About two weeks after suffering the stroke, Bob passed away, never allow to have the love of his life with him.  And… to throw salt in an already deep wound, Frank was banned by the family from attending Bob’s memorial services and funeral.  Frank could even visit the grave site until after the family had left.

That would have never been permitted, if, like heterosexuals, Bob and Frank had the legal protection of a marriage contract.

Okay, now let’s get to some of the issues being argued as a result of this most recent Chick fil A event:

First there are the claims of tolerance and intolerance by both sides, and they are both right.  How is that possible you ask?  There seems that the mere definition of tolerance is a dichotomy in today’s society.

tol·er·ance

1. a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc., differ from one's own; freedom from bigotry.
2. a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward opinions and practices that differ from one's own.
3. interest in and concern for ideas, opinions, practices, etc., foreign to one's own; a liberal, undogmatic viewpoint.
4. the act or capacity of enduring; endurance: My tolerance of noise is limited.
And since that first definition brings into view the term bigotry, let’s look and that definition as well, since it has bearing on this essay:

big·ot·ry

1. stubborn and complete intolerance of any creed, belief, or opinion that differs from one's own.
2. the actions, beliefs, prejudices, etc., of a bigot.
It would appear at first blush, based on these definitions at their face value, that both sides of this argument are being intolerant and bigoted toward the other side’s position.  But, like so many things in life, if you put things in context, the view changes.  The Christian right, and I use Christian right because I have many friend who are Christian who are moderate and don’t feel this way, would like you to believe that the media, et al, are being intolerant because they are speaking out against Mr. Cathy’s professed and publicly acknowledged religious views and beliefs, and calling for boycotts of products provided by his company.  Yet, they refuse to acknowledge that Mr. Cathy’s religious views and beliefs (and in many cases, their own) are intolerant and bigoted.  And they are so, not because they are religious, but because they are support denying rights and legal protection to gay citizens, guaranteed to all citizens, simply because of their religious beliefs.  They want to and are actively pursuing civil laws that will require everyone to live according to their religious belief.  From the gay marriage support side, no one that I know is trying to legislate that Christian fundamentalists must associate with, or provide services to gay individuals, allow them to be married in their institutions, or requiring these fundamentalists to change their belief.  So, from my point of view, I believe it is clear who is being bigoted and intolerant, and I don’t expect those individuals to agree with me.  I just hope that if you are one of those on the fence, you’ll take a moment to truly think about which side you want to jump too.  And remember it was just under fifty years ago, that the federal government had to step in, one hundreds after we fought one to worst wars in our history to resolve the issue,  and acknowledge through legislation that Black Citizens of this country were not 3/4s of a citizen and or equal but separate.
Now for the funniest, ironic not haha, conversation I’ve had on this issue, the constitutionality of the activities being taken against Mr. Cathy and his beliefs.  I had on individual who at first claimed that Mr. Cathy’s constitutional rights were being violated, and then claimed they were about to be violated.  She claim a thorough knowledge of the Constitution, and her contention was that because the mayors of Boston and Chicago have stated that they would do anything in their power to prevent Chick fil A from opening stores in their cities, they are or would be violating the constitution because they weren’t adhering to their oath of office to uphold the Constitution.  REALLY?!?  I asked a simple question in response to this claim – twice, “please cite constitutional amendment and or clause being, or about to be, violated?”  At first I was told that I should do the research, which would lead me to the conclusion that she was correct.  And finally, that she was ending the discussion because I was twisting her words and it wasn’t a true and honest discussion.  The real truth of the matter, which I couldn’t say at the time because it was another friend’s thread, is that this person couldn’t find her ass with both hands and road map.  Even with the conservative leaning of our U.S. Supreme court, they wouldn’t bite on that one.  I believe these mayors have push the edge of reasonable government intervention with their comments, but, just for enlightenment, let’s look at this possible constitutional issue.

I did a quick online search of the online Constitution and can only find two references to commerce, neither of which have applications to municipalities where Chick fil A might be concerned, and no references to free trade, so unless someone would like to point me elsewhere, not violation there.  Now, I know I making assumptions here, but, the only area I can think of that this person might have been try to elude to as a constitutional violation would be the 1st Amendment, and for clarity sake I have copied and pasted that amendment direct for the online source:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
In my discussions over the years, but specifically more recently, there appears to be an interpretation of this amendment to mean that you are free to practice your religion or speak your mind without repercussion.  That is not true, and it never has been the case.  Just for a few of references; you cannot exercise your right to free speech, by running into a crowded room (a theater being the most common description) and yell FIRE!!! without warrant.  You will quite possibly face legal issues for doing so.  There are other cases where free speech right may face limited.  Most everyone is aware that righteous and pious members of Westboro Baptist Church have for sometime protested the funerals of our fallen warriors because of their views on homosexuality.  Since the Supreme Court agreed that this activity is protected under the 1st Amendment, Congress recently passed legislation limiting the time these protests can occur.   It will be interesting to see what the Court does with this legislation, but, I’d bet it get upheld.  On passing laws restricting the free exercise of religion, have we forgotten the laws against polygamy?  A practice observed by early Mormons, and still practiced by some renegade sects, and the Jehovah’s Witnesses have lost about as many Supreme Court case as they have won regarding their free exercise.  And the Supreme has continually maintain that free exercise of religion is not absolute.  So, again, I can see nothing that either of the mayors of Boston or Chicago have done or intend to do with regards to Chick fil A business being prevented from conducting business in their cities as having any constitutional issue.
It would seem to me that, like religion, many find easier to believe and accept without challenge what we have been taught or told, without actually checking for themselves.

And finally…

While the concept of marriage may have some of its roots in religious concepts, it is long since removed for its simple theological base.  I know there are probably some renegade sects who will marry a couple without a license, in America you can be married without a religiously based service, but, you will not be considered legally married without obtain a license from your local city or county clerk.  So in your society today, at least here in America, a marriage is more so a legal contract between two citizens, regardless of race, color, or religion…  Only thing missing there is sex.  While those fundamentalist Christian may want to erroneously claim that Mr. Cathy’s constitutional rights are being infringed, I think it is quite clear and evident, at least by my reading, that the gay community’s 14th Amendment right of “equal protection of the law” is most definitely being violated.  Read it for yourself:
AMENDMENT XIV
Passed by Congress June 13, 1866. Ratified July 9, 1868. 
Note: Article I, section 2, of the Constitution was modified by section 2 of the 14th amendment.
Section 1.
All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.
Interestingly, regardless of the coverage on T.V. that might seem to indicate differently, most public survey today point to a majority of citizens (even a growing number in the Christian communities) in this country who believe, as I do, that the legal social contract that is marriage in this country should be extended to all citizens of legal age.  And, as far as I can determine, no one I know believes that anyone should be punished for believing that gay marriage is wrong, it can be wrong for them.  But, making what they believe is wrong for them illegal for everyone is wrong for everyone.  To do otherwise and we are simply dressing up the antiquated view and beliefs in new clothes, and using them to oppress a class of people with whom we disagree.

I’ll close with this:  I opened with Grandma’s idiom, “They can’t shoot you for what you are thinking,” and asked you to think about the moral in it.  Well have you?



Your comments or questions are always welcome, and I have added an email address for those not wishing to comment openly in this forum.  Emails can be sent to recoveringcathcon@gmail.com. However, please know that if this account is used to flood me with trash and hate mail, I will shut it down.




Monday, July 30, 2012

Tragedy in Aurora

I haven’t written here in awhile…  I think I’ve pretty much covered my views on religion in general and in my reasoning for my departure from the conservative movement, so I have seen any need to expand on this subject.  But, since last Friday’s tragedy in Aurora, Colorado, I find my thoughts bound to that horrific event.
For days since the events in Colorado been unfolding, I have tried to focus on other more pleasant topics.  As hard as I try, cohesive coherent thoughts have evaded me, as the media continually bombards us with news of the worst mass shooting in U.S. history, the “Tragedy in Aurora.”  By now, everyone is painfully aware of this tragedy, 12 people killed and another 50 wounded by a gunman at a midnight screening of the latest Batman movie in Aurora, Colorado.  A little more than a week has past, and we still now very little of real value about what might have occurred that cause the gunmen to had he did, and I have tried diligently to avoid writing this essay, but it is, as I am seeing it, equally unavoidable.  So I seem destine to complete it, if I ever want to get back to things that bring me much greater pleasure.

Before I get into why I feel compelled to write this essay, I want to send my truly heartfelt sympathies and condolences to the victims… which, of course, includes the family and friend of those killed or wounded… of this horrendous act.  Nothing I could say would ever be enough to console the grief caused by this event, and nothing I might says here is intended to cause any additional grief to those affected.

When I awoke on Friday morning, my Facebook, as well as other frequented social media and news feeds, was already blowing up with comments, and tidbits of info about this horrific tragedy.  Since then, you cannot go an hour without something somewhere bringing us back to it, again, and again, and again…

What strikes me, and has worried me, is the output from our instantaneous news cycle today.  Within moments of this event, the internet was abuzz with all manner of analysis, conjecture, and comment about this mental, physical, and emotional state of the perpetrator, with no real data to backup the claims.  Within moments of my starting to read through the posts and articles hitting the web, I “learned” that

this assailant was; a mad, crazy, mentally unbalanced schizophrenic paranoid who had a bad childhood, or experienced some massively devastating even in his life, which caused him to lack the coping mechanisms or filters needed to live in today’s society.

Okay, yeah that’s a hyperbolic compilation of dozens of posts in one statement, but, it is an accurate representation of what many people thought they knew shortly after this event.  The sad part has been watching many in the mainstream media pandering to this picture.  Fact is, several days after the event, and we still know very little about this person, and yes, I am avoiding naming him.  What we do know at this point, is that, the guns and ammo used in the crime were legally obtained, as were the chemical used to booby trap his apartment, he was not a stupid individual – he was in a PhD program from which he’d recently withdrew, that he had no criminal record, and there was no overt evidence to indicate a reason for his actions.  What we do not know is what triggered this event, even as we (most of us because of our impatience) continue to draw conclusions from an incomplete picture.  The only thing we can conclude with certainty, at this time, is that this individual was not mentally sound at the time.  In coming weeks, we can hope that we learn why, and can learn a little bit more about how to identify the problem earlier.

We all remember the idiom “Nature abhors a vacuum.”  Well, it’s not really true – you can just look to the night sky to see that – but, I do think it can be reformed to say, “The human mind abhors a lack of data.”  Meaning, in absence of accurate information, we will naturally create information to support the conclusions we have already formed.  But, why does this need to have immediate answers exist, and in particular after events as horrendous as this tragedy?  My opinion is that, while each of us will staunchly maintain that we could not be drive to such atrocities for any reason, none of us knows what event in our own lives might trigger a mental imbalance which could lead to such devastating behavior.  In my experience and observation, I have seen that anyone can be driven to a breaking point, and most do not know where that line exists.  I’ve also seen that many, if not most, people have demons lying dominant in our subconscious’s just looking for a reason to unleash their wrath.  I have personally experienced this release of demons upon experiencing events which created great anger in me.  I have been fortunate that my actions, at such times, did not result in actions even close to degree in Aurora, but, I recognize the possibility.  For all the understanding we have developed about human psychology, no one to my knowledge has yet been able to catalog all that can cause or contribute to mental illness, nor has anyone been able effectively predict mental illness.  I personally equate mental illness to earthquakes, we all have faults in our psyche, and like fault lines in the earth’s crust, no one can predict how much stress these faults can take, or how devastating the damage will be when in breaks.  So, how does this relate to our need to have a definite and rapid conclusion after events like what happened in Aurora?  I think each and every one of us is scared that it could have been one of us who broke with such damaging effect, and for most the fear exists so deep within the subconscious that it manifests itself in the need to know why someone else cracked, so we can comfort ourselves that those faults don’t exist in us.  And… So much the better if we can point to external sources outside our control as the problem.  For then, we can ask society as a whole to take ownership in controlling those external sources.  All I ask; the next time you find yourself really angry, stop for a moment and think about why and look internally for the source of your anger.  It may just help you to relieve that stress in a less destructive manner.

Next I’d like to touch on something regarding the victims of this tragedy.  First, I am, in no way, blaming the victims of this mentally ill person, or claiming that they should bear any responsible for the results.  But, particularly over the last decade or so, I’ve observed something that troubles me greatly.  It is what I call a societal numbness, or lack of situational awareness.  I see dozens of examples of this on a daily basis… in the drivers on the freeway, who can’t seem to stay in their own lane, or changing lanes without notices there is a car in the lane next to them… or in the malls and stores, where people can’t be bothered to look where they are walking, instead doing their window shopping on the move…  and of course, in this day of twitter, facebook, and texting, almost everyone move about oblivious to their surrounding while their eyes are focused on that little screen in front of them.  Our military teaches young recruits and officer about situational awareness on the field of combat, but that concept is one that should be taught to everyone.  It is something I have adopted as part of my everyday life, and something I have thought my children (no longer children).  Being aware of where I am at (environment) and what is happening around me has afforded to opportunity to avoid many problems or potential disastrous situations.

I have to wonder how many in that theater saw, without seeing, someone go to the exit door only to re-emerge moments later.  Even though it’s not uncommon for people to attend movies like this one in a costume, combing the costume with an exit and return, I think, should have raised a red flag. I know it would have for me.  A smoke canister going off??? Definitely a red flag!!!  Yet, I heard several accounts of people thinking it was just part of the show.  Again personally, I’ve never been to an event – movie in this case – where there where extra-sensory additions to the show that were not at least acknowledged beforehand.   Even though history is littered with examples to the contrary, we seem to possess this misguided idea that we are protected and safe (or should be) from illegal or dangerous activities, or that we can live our normal everyday lives without much concerned for our own safety.  It is a foolish supposition, and most would probably deny believing it.  But, look at how so many people go about the everyday business acting as if it was so.  The simple truth is that the best way to avoid becoming a victim, is to quit acting like a victim, and the simplest way to stop acting like a victim is to pay attention to your surroundings…  if you’ve got a bad feeling about something, there’s usually a pretty good reason.

Finally, even as tragic as this event was, particularly in the scope of individuals lost or wounded, let’s not forget all the people lost or injured in senseless violence throughout the country or even the world, on a daily basis which never draw the attention of the national media.  But…  We should not forget as well, that there is little that could have been done to honestly prevent this from happening.  Yes, maybe more and tighter gun control might have forestalled this event, but, not prevent it.  There is no way we can legislate a perfectly safe society, and it is my contention that it is a waste of time to try.  Once this individual decided he was going to wreak this kind of destruction, there are any of a multitude of methods which could have been employed to achieve a very similar result.  People killing, for whatever reason, has been with us since the beginning of the human race, and will, in all likelihood, be with us until are end.  There is really little that can be done to prevent such act, without making criminals of all of us, or taking away those tools with which to protect ourselves or our families.  Or, for that matter, taking away or criminalizing everyday tools which could be use for destructive purposes in the hand of someone with a little bit of knowledge.  I try to live in the real world, and that tells me we have the laws we have and we have to learn how to live with them.

I’ll close with this… the first step to safety is awareness…  so, start by being aware.


Your comments or questions are always welcome, and I have added an email address for those not wishing to comment openly in this forum.  Emails can be sent to recoveringcathcon@gmail.com. However, please know that if this account is used to flood me with trash and hate mail, I will shut it down.