The realizations:
First the big one,
yes I am still upset with that individual from past. But, as has been pointed out to me, I am only
punishing myself allowing myself to hate him.
I am not a hateful nor a negative person, and allowing these emotion so much
control over my, I am allowing him to still exercise control over my life…
something I think he would take great pleasure in knowing. I am better than that, and I know IT!
Second, I had never
realized the abandonment issues I have been suppressing since my Mother’s
attempt to take her life, or the resentment I was experiencing toward her for making
me the one responsible for her survival.
This was further exacerbated when I was later sent to a psychologist as
a trouble youth, and this piece of information was to my knowledge never
exposed. I think it might have helped. One thing I have learned over time, you can’t
fix a problem if you don’t know the cause, and probably one of the foundations
of my mistrust of ‘counselors’.
Third, I have
allowed these phantom controls to lead me down a path which has jeopardized the
future of me, my wife, and my daughters.
In all this, my find that in truth I am most pissed at myself for
allowing it happen, and the externalized and internal hatred of myself for
allowing it to happen.
Fourth, as I have
always known, and have been hiding from for months, I am responsible for my
actions, good or bad. No matter who I
might like to blame for my predicament, it’s on me.
Fifth, as I have
attempted to find distractions from all this internal emotion, I have
discovered that my existence has brought to a place of emotional empathy for my
fellow humans. When I witness someone
else’s in happiness, it gives me happiness.
Conversely, everyone else’s pain causes me pain. Pick an emotion, I feel with you. I think I always knew this, but, until my strengths
were zapped to such a low level, I didn’t see the emotional toll it could take
on me.
Finally and most
importantly, I have never in my life, before this, been able to share this much
of my private feelings with anyone for fear that it would chase people away, or
be exploited. I am so lucky and blessed
(no religious affiliation) to have my friends and family. You have all been so very supportive of me as
I go through this period.
The actions:
I am still not
completely out of this funk. The knot in
my gut is still there, but, I am taking actions to move forward.
One, I know that
there others who are worse off and more in need then I am, but, in order to
recoup my strength, I am going to going to allow myself to concentrate on as much
of the positive as I can find, and not the negative, until I am better able to
deal with those feelings. As I am still
not a religious person, I will just say:
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I
cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
The only thing I can
change at the moment… is me.
Two, I cannot concentrate
on rebuilding myself and concentrate on building a consulting business which
has languished for some time know as has little prospect, at the moment of
providing financial support my family needs and deserves. Effective immediately, IBL is suspending
operations. I started yesterday into a
full on job search, and have already sent out a few inquiries. If you know of anyone needing a slightly used
IT generalist, a profile of my skillset is on LinkedIN.
Three, I have
realized that the creativity soul will find an outlet, even a negative one if
none other exists. Where I thought that
creativity in me had been destroyed all the years ago, I find that not to be
the case. It’s been there all along,
below the surface, violently fight for it own survival. I look to discover way to allow it to live
and flourish.
Finally, I will
strive to stop trying to be a superman. I will graciously accept the love and positive
thoughts of my family and friend, to become my anchor when I am adrift.
I love you all, and
truly cherish your being in my life.
Walt
